#70 MY NEXT ITERATION AS A WRITER FOCUSED ON MY SON - THERE WAS A DECADE WHEN I WROTE ALMOST NOTHING - BEING LOST TO THE WORLD OF ACTUARIAL MATHEMATICS WHERE HUMAN BEINGS ARE REDUCED TO QUANTIFIABLE ENTITIES - THIS WAS NOT A GOOD PLACE FOR ME TO BE

CHRISTMAS DAY, DECEMBER 25, 1985 FOUND OUR FAMILY INVITED TO VISIT MY IN-LAWS, THE GILBERT'S, AT THEIR LOVELY ESTATE IN BARRINGTON HILLS.  WHILE THE ADULTS SAT AROUND SIPPING COFFEE AND SPEAKING CIVILIZED, I LAY ON THE FLOOR, AS THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH CHAIR SPACE.  ALSO ON THE FLOOR CRAWLING AROUND ON ALL FOURS, WAS MY THEN ONE YEAR, ONE MONTH, TWO WEEKS, AND ONE DAY OLD SON, ADAM JAMES GANZER.

AS HE MADE HIS WAY ABOUT THE ROOM, HE CAME TO MY CARCASS (THE CARCASS OF MARKASS), PUT HIS HAND ON MY HIP, AND CRAWLED OVER.  IN THAT ELECTRIC MOMENT, THE THOUGHT CAME TO ME THAT THIS BEING A FATHER, THIS WAS NOT SO BAD.  THE NEXT DAY, WHILE ON "LUNCH" DURING THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT AT THE LITHOGRAPHY COMPANY IN BEVERLY, ILLINOIS, I PENNED THESE WORDS:

HE'S THE FAT ONE COMES ON SUNDAYS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE BY TWO.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY MAMA SAYS THE MACHINE HE FLIES IS BLUE.

SHE SAYS "CALL HIM DADDY," DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM TO DO,

BECAUSE I CANNOT TALK JUST YET EVEN THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO.

WHEN HE COMES UP TO THE DOOR RINGS THE BELL THE OLD DOG BARKS.

HIS EYES HALF-OPENED SAD AND RED, UNDERNEATH HALF CIRCLES DARK.

WHEN HE TALKS TO ME I CATCH THE WHIFF OF A SMELL I DO NOT KNOW.

BUT WHEN HE SAYS "I LOVE YOU" SEEMS HE'S HAPPY AND I GLOW.

(CHORUS: NOT ADDED UNTIL A YEAR LATER)

WHEN I WAS A CHILD
SO YOUNG AND SO WILD
I COULD SEE AS ONLY A CHILD DOES SEE BUT
NOW THAT I'VE GROWN 
TO KNOW ALL THAT I'VE KNOWN
I KNOW I'LL NEVER MORE
MORE CLEARLY SEE.

WE PLAY FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, HEAD DOWN HOLDING ON MY LEGS.

AND THEN WHEN HE STOPS TO CATCH HIS BREATH IT SEEMS TO ME HE BEGS.

BEGS MY PARDON FOR THE THINGS HE SAYS HE CANNOT DO.

BUT WHEN HE SAYS, "I LOVE YOU," I BELIEVE HIS WORDS ARE TRUE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I SHOULD LOVE HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHY I SHOULD TRY.

BUT I FEEL THIS BOND BETWEEN US, I DON'T KNOW THE REASON WHY.

EXCEPTING THAT I'VE TOUCHED HIM AND I'VE SEEN HIM THROUGH HIS EYES.

YES. JUST THAT. EXCEPTING THAT I'VE TOUCHED HIM AND I'VE SEEN HIM THROUGH HIS EYES.

WHEN I WAS A CHILD
SO YOUNG AND SO WILD
I COULD SEE AS ONLY A CHILD DOES SEE BUT
NOW THAT I'VE GROWN 
TO KNOW ALL THAT I'VE KNOWN
I KNOW I'LL NEVER MORE
MORE CLEARLY SEE.

DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES AND I WILL PLEDGE WITH MINE.