671 Let’s Talk: Conversations that make a difference

 

First Edition

6 Super Secrets

7 Things Everyone Should
Know About Their Loved Ones
 

9 Excuses, Excuses…
It’s Not About Being Perfect;
It’s About Getting Started
 

17 Family Baggage
Check It At The Door
 

20 Hindsight. Insight.
 

What Families Wish They
Had Done Differently
 

It’s a win-win conversation

 
Most of us wait for a tragedy to talk to the people we love about big issues, like aging, money, and health. We wait because these conversations are awkward and because, quite honestly, we don’t want to think about such things. But waiting is risky. You can suddenly find yourself in the midst of a crisis, trying to have these conversations when it’s hard to think straight, emotions are blinding, time is short and options are limited. Having honest conversations now lets you know what your parents or other loved ones want, gives you the chance to get important documents and policies in place and helps ensure they live life on their terms and as fully as possible. Such talks can also bring unexpected insights and intimacy. They can bring understanding and even resolution.

 
When you know what matters most to those you care about, you can engage accordingly — making changes if necessary now, and making the right choices when decisions need to be made later. Let’s Talk was written to encourage you to have these talks and to guide you through the process — offering suggestions on how to start the conversation and a list of issues to cover — so that it all goes more smoothly.

You will find helpful tips and advice from the experts and from people who have been down this path already. Whatever your relationship with your parent — good, bad, indifferent or complicated — we hope you’ll find a way to talk. It won’t be perfect.
 

You may not cover everything. But any conversation, any preparation, is far better than none at all. Don’t forget this applies to you as well.
 

Our contributor: Virginia Morris
 

An award-winning journalist, Virginia Morris has devoted her career to researching and writing about health care, medical research and related social and political issues. Her book, How to Care For Aging Parents, has been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show, the Today Show, and Good Morning America, and won the Books For a Better Life Award. Notably, it has also been hailed as an “excellent resource” by the Family Care Alliance and as “Indispensable” by AARP. In this A-to-Z guide, Ms. Morris offers practical help and tender reassurance. She lives with her husband and two children in New York.
 

Don’t wait. Take the time to talk.

 

Be brave.  Be patient. Be open. Be present.

People are waiting for someone else to start the conversation.
–Genworth Caregiver Services Study, Summer 2008
 

It’s natural to dodge the topic of aging, to feel that it’s not your place to bring it
up and to worry that you might offend or upset your parent or loved one. But when you say, “Let’s talk,” the underlying message is, “I want to know what you think. I am here for you.
 

You are not alone.” When you say, “Let’s talk,” what you are really saying is, “I care.” It’s the ultimate gift. Do it gradually if possible, and be respectful, but make a commitment to do it.

Now. It is never too soon to talk, but it can become too
late quite suddenly. A loved one’s health status can change overnight, and it almost always happens long before anyone expects it. So it’s vital to know a person’s wishes and to have necessary plans, documents and insurance in place.

 
If you delay, good care may be prohibitive and insurance may no longer be an option. Also, you will most likely find yourself making decisions without any idea of what this other person truly wanted. Talking now allows you to be proactive rather than reactive. It is so much easier to talk early, when there is no crisis, when the discussions are about some distant possibility — some theoretical “what if” scenario. The simple truth is that this conversation will only get harder as those involved get older and their health and circumstances change. Also, it’s important to  do this now, today, because these conversations always take time — usually more time than anyone expects. It can take months just to open the door, and even more time to take any sort of action.

 
But, you say, your parents are still young and healthy. Maybe they are only in their 50s or 60s and living it up. That’s OK. In fact, that’s great! You don’t need to get their opinion of local nursing homes just yet. Instead, ask them what they look forward to, what they hope for and how their goals in life have changed over the years. Find out if they feel prepared for the future, if they have necessary legal documents and if there’s anything they worry about. This is the perfect time to talk with them about aging and the care they may need in maintaining their quality of life. Start the conversation now!

 
If, on the other hand, your parent already needs extensive care, then talk about what might come next. You should still plan ahead. And now, more than ever, you don’t want to miss the opportunity to learn more about them while you still have a chance.
 

When?
 

Who should talk? Everyone.
 

No one regrets the times they talked, the times they asked questions, listened and made plans. It’s vital that people over 40 discuss certain subjects with their parents, yet quite often it’s the parents who put the tough topics on the table. The important thing is that you don’t wait for someone else to do it. This is your job. Talk with your parents. Talk with your spouse. Delve into this with a sibling, a friend or perhaps a beloved aunt or uncle. The more we communicate, the more we learn. The only regrets are the conversations we didn’t have, the opportunities we missed.

Who? What? When?

1. How things are now 

 

Is this person already facing challenges that you are not aware of? Do you have a clear and realistic view of his or her current daily life? Are there things that can be done now to make life easier for them?
 

2. Option A and Option B
 

We all need a plan, no matter what our age. If there is a crisis, how will this person get help? Who will let you know there’s a problem? Who will you call in an emergency? Do you have contact information for relatives, neighbors, friends, doctors, lawyers and local service providers?
 

3. Legal issues

 
Pretty much every adult should have an up-to-date will, a durable power of attorney (giving someone the authority to make financial and legal decisions on their behalf), a living will (outlining wishes for end-of-life care) and a power of attorney for health care (like a regular power of attorney, but geared specifically toward medical decisions). Be sure your loved ones have these documents, and you should know where they are kept.
 

4. No place like home

 
Most people want to stay in their own homes, but it’s not always an option. If necessary, could the house be made more accessible (first-floor bedroom, ramps, etc.)? Where would your mother want to live if she couldn’t stay at home? What if your father couldn’t live with other family members? What if one of them becomes widowed? What options are available? What matters most to them? The answers may surprise you.
 

5. The cost of care

 
Long term care (care at home or in an assisted-living facility or nursing home) can easily run from $50,000 to more than $100,000 a year, depleting hard-earned savings. Some options to consider are long term care insurance, family and retirement income planning
and protection.
 

6. The medical maze
 

Make sure one doctor oversees and coordinates
all care, especially as your loved one ages. As care becomes more complex, multiple doctors could inadvertently prescribe conflicting treatments. At this point, you should get to know your parent’s physician and stay in touch. Know what health insurance policies are in place and how to access them.
 

7. Life’s closing scene
 

It’s a hard fact of life that many people end up, confused and afraid, largely because family members weren’t prepared to make tough choices. The best way to avoid this is to talk, in some depth, about your loved one’s fears, preferences and hopes, and how they want decisions handled. Then brace yourself to follow those wishes.
 

What?

Listen
 

Learn

 

My father talks to me or my wife, Tracy, on the phone at least once a week, and he has dinner at our house most weekends. It never occurred to me that we needed to talk about anything because we talk so often already. But one night my uncle was talking about their grandfather, who lived with them for many years, and he was saying what a pill he was. My father said something offhanded about how he would never live with his kids. Tracy and I were baffled. We always assumed he would live with us if it came to that.
 

At first, I didn’t think he meant it. But I brought it up a few days later and he said flat out, no, he would never live with any of his kids. We’ve talked about it since, and it’s been eye-opening. We discussed where he might live — he doesn’t like the idea of being alone with an aide so we’ve considered other options, assisted living or a full-life center. I’m still hoping he’ll change his mind and decide he could live with us, but I don’t sense that’s going to happen. But it’s been an interesting process. I’ve learned a lot about him.
 

- Ben, age 49
genworth.com/lets-talk

Listen. Ironically, the most important thing about talking is listening. When you have these conversations, start by asking questions. And then listen. Really listen. This will help get the conversation going and, even more important, it will let you know what your parent (or other loved one) is thinking, which may be very different from what you are thinking. You might be focused on legal documents, while your parent is wondering who will care for her dogs in a crisis. Listening is valuable because you now know what matters to her, and once you’ve listened and addressed her concerns, she will be more willing to listen to you.
 

Open your heart and your mind. Most likely, you will learn something new.
 

1. Ask questions. Then pause. Give them time to respond. Make sure they have finished before you begin talking. True understanding comes from being still long enough to absorb the meaning and intent behind what people tell you.
 

What are their fondest memories? Biggest regrets? What do they want/dread
as they grow older? What are their hopes and fears and goals? What matters most to them now? If you have a specific issue to address, learn what they think before you begin expressing your thoughts.
 

2. Wait. That might mean counting silently to five, but it also might mean letting them think on it and then continuing the conversation several days later. These are big issues; give it time.

 
3. Be open. You might not know this person or this situation as well as you think you do. We don’t know what it is to be our parents’ ages.

We don’t know how they feel or what life looks like at that stage. Also, we all slip into prescribed roles within our families. Occasionally, our notions of who a loved one is clouds our vision of who they actually are, what they think and more importantly, how they feel. Plus, with time, their needs and wishes have probably changed.

 
Things you can do today to become a better listener.
3
genworth.com/lets-talk

It’s a Journey

Connect · Believe · Discover · Learn · Reminisce · Prepare · Grow · Explore · Share
As with most things in life, the first step is the hardest. How you enter this terrain will depend on you, the person you are talking with, the nature of your relationship and your situation. Find what works for you. If one thing doesn’t work, try something else. Here are a few ways to break the ice:
Warm ways to break the ice
Be Opepen

If you have an open and direct relationship, then don’t beat around the bush. Just come out and say that you’d like to talk about these issues and ask if they would mind talking to you about them. Everyone thinks about these things. Everyone worries at 2 a.m. about what the future holds. Go ahead and talk.

Discscussss sosomeoeone
elseelseelseelse
’
s
situation

Chances are, you or your parents know someone who is already dealing with some aspect of aging. Talking about their experience and choices, and what is good or bad about their situation, can be a useful launching point.

Be Reflecleclective

Some time when you’re together, ask them about their past, their childhood, their parents. Learn about them. And then, as part of that conversation, move on to the future. What do they want most? How do they perceive the future? What worries them? Are they prepared?
MeMe
n
tion an articleclecle
oror webeb site you saw

Give them a clipping, or a link to a Web site with information about planning ahead, family conversations and long term care costs, and then move forward from there. Hand them this resource guide.

genworth.com/lets-talk