Dear Reggie, and my Darling and Dearest Tracy,
This letter will inform you of perhaps the most important things you ever need to know about me.
Summer of 1969, after my senior year in high school, I was a virgin, and this worried me greatly, what with college coming around the corner and the summer of free love already past. So, when the new kid in school, Chris Shanenburg invited me to go with him to Chicago to the apartment he had rented near Montrose Harbor, to fuck his roommate, Cathy, who worked at Sears & Roebuck and had pretty much fucked the Barrington Consolidated High School Class of 1969 at the orgiastic weekend legendary parties that Chris threw there, I leapt at the opportunity.
Clue #1: Chris had then memorized the complete libretto to "The Assination and Persecution of Jean Paul Marat as performed by the Inmates of Charlemagne Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade" other wise known as MARAT SADE.
Clue #2: We sauntered over to the train station, just missing the 2:18 in to Chicago. Rather than wait the 55 minutes for the next inbound train, Chris suggests we take a limo to Chicago, which we do. We arrive at his p lace, and Chris buys beers and wine (for Sneaky Pete's). We drink. Mark drunk. Chris begins chasing Mark around room, wanting Mark to simply kiss him on the lips. Mark, trying desperately to escape reaches for the door, WHICH IS LOCKED. Son of a bitch. I did not see that one coming. WAIT - but take a limo rather than wait 55 minutes for a train? What's wrong with THAT picture?
Chris, it would later be learnt, had absconded approximately $150,000 from his parents' checking account to pay for the apartment, the limos, the booze, etc, etc, etc.
Chris continues to try to woo Mark, telling him how Jon Peters, who WAS accepted by Harvard didn't care one way of the other about kissing Chris, Ed Evans liked kissing Chris. Seduction by proxie. Was not working for me. Finally, and this might very well have been the last time I ever prayed to God for any thing for myself. I put up this prayer: "Oh please Dear God, if you will just get me out of this situation, I will NEVER force myself on a woman. I will never do this to another human being."
God, in all Her Radiant Splendor, with the Angels, damn near fell out of her chair laughing. "Mark! Thou dost cut deals with the Lord of Hosts? To promise to do something you were never going to do, never would do in the first place, and then VOW to keep you word, which, you are as good as? This, my most beloved and blessed child, this prayer of yours, it shall be answered."
And Cathy opened the door with her key. Chris changed the focus of his mad, drunken self-indulgent passion. "I'll warm her up for you," he assured me as he took her to the bedroom, ripping the clothes from her body, and proceeded to fuck her in a manner far more akin to rape than lust. "She's all ready for you now," he said.
I entered the bedroom as he pulled out (literally and figuratively). I lay down beside her. I was not sexually aroused, but I did feel comfortable, safe, with this woman, dressed only in her bra and panties. "Do you do this often?" she asked. "No," I replied. After a while, we got up, and went to dinner. I had a greasy hamburger, slathered with onions, ketsup, fries. Cathy had the same. Then we bought tickets to see Romeo and Juliet. Then we went back to the apratment, and lay down together, wearing only our under wear. Around midnight, Chris awoke from his drunken stupor, and came lumbering into the bedroom with an 8 mm camera, filming the moment in all its embarrassing splendor.
When Les Etters watched the grand showing of the Mark Ganzer does Cathy debacle, he noticed immediately (leave it Beaver head Les), "Look, Ganzer ain't got no erection!" As if this particular moment would have been erection conducive. Hardly.
Tbis ought to help explain how I manage to keep "so cool" when it comes to demonstrating my interest in women. I cut a deal with God, and I take that deal VERY seriously. So if you never had a clue about how disappointed I was to learn you were married, all those 20 years ago, now you do know; I have told you, and I have told you why. I am a man of my word, its all the very little I have to offer. I keep my covenants with the Lord, and She with me.
And now you also have some insights into why I have never attended a one of my high school reunions.
I don't know who all has seen the erection-less bone-headed, dick-thinking lump of ludicrous teen-aged angst, that did not have to suffer the ignominy of entering college a physical virgin, but suffered a few other things along the way.
With Love to You, and All You Love,
Mark Raymond Ganzer
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