BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.  Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.  "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,  How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" Children Are Quick   ____________________________________     TEACHER: Why are you late?  STUDENT: Class started before I got here.  ____________________________________   TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?   JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.   __________________________________________   TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'   GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'   TEACHER: No, that's wrong   GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   (I Love this child)   ____________________________________________   TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?   DONALD: H I J K L M N O.   TEACHER: What are you talking about?   DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.   __________________________________   TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.   WINNIE: Me!   __________________________________________   TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?   GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   _______________________________________   TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '   MILLIE: I is..   TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'   MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'  ________________________________   TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,   but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?   LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....   ______________________________________   TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?   SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.   ______________________________   TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..   Did you copy his?   CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.     (I want to adopt this kid!!!)   ___________________________________   TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people   are no longer interested?   HAROLD: A teacher   __________________________________  PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.