Empathy: The Secret Sauce to a Happy Marriage
by
Julie Hanks, LCSW,
for Sharecare
Are
you empathetic? Is your partner? It might be the secret to a happier
marriage. According to a recent study from Harvard University, being
able to accurately read a partner's emotions--and believing that your
partner is trying to understand your emotions--is related to couple
relationship satisfaction.
This
study highlights certain gender differences that echo dynamics I've
seen in my clinical practice and in
my 23-year marriage:
1.
Women are more satisfied in their relationship if their partner
accurately empathized with negative
emotions.
2.
Men were more satisfied when they could read their
partner's positive emotions
accurately.
3. Women's ability to read their
partner's negative emotions
was positively linked to both men's
and women's relationship satisfaction.
The
authors suggested that for men, being able to understand and be
empathetic to their partner's negative emotions may feel threatening
to the relationship, but women don't seem to find negative emotions
threatening. Findings suggest that effort,
not just accuracy, positively impacts relationships.
Developing
Empathy
If
your relationship is distressed or if you simply want to make a good
relationship better, here are some ways to work on your empathy
skills.
Listen
for emotional messages
The
emotional message isn't the same as the words that your partner is
saying. Your partner may be criticizing you for not spending enough
time together, but the emotional message may actually be, "I
miss you and I'm afraid I'm not important to you."
Push
the pause button on your own emotions
When
your partner is expressing something critical, it's easy to respond
defensively. Before reacting, take a deep breath and try to slow down
your own emotional response so you can hear the emotion behind the
criticism.
Reflect
back your partner's emotional plea
Instead
of coming back defensively with, "What are you talking about? We
just went on a walk yesterday, and we went to dinner last weekend!"
respond to your partner's emotional plea by saying something like,
"You really miss me and want to spend more time together. Thanks
for letting me know. I love you."
Even
if you read the emotional message inaccurately, your effort to
understand your partner's emotions will pay off!
Julie
Hanks, LCSW, is Sharecare Now's #1 Online Depression Influencer. A
licensed psychotherapist, she has over 20 years in the mental health
field, providing outpatient psychotherapy services to children,
adolescents, adults, couples and families with complex mental health
and relationship problems.
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